Well, there isn't a cure quite like Bob Dylan for a tender heart. About every other moment of the day I feel like laying outside in the warm sun and letting his sound snuggle me. For some beautiful reason, ol' Robby's music is warmth to me.
Part of what has been hard for me in healing from letting Korbin go has been instantly losing my "mommyness." My arms feel empty, my house feels empty (even with all the people in it right now), and my everyday life feels empty. But, at the same time, I am full of so much love, life, and presence of Holy Spirit. I told him tonight how grateful I was to just have him tangibly pleased with me all the time. This would be a hell of a lot worse without his smiles.
I'm in a kind of cool place right now. I have no desire whatsoever to find another job to replace this last one, so I am completely comfortable in the dangling position of trust. I think I still see myself as being on the floor and I'm perfectly content to experience endless encounters with God while I'm down here. I smile a lot, laugh a lot, thank God for a lot, and I cry a little too. I try to remember that Korbin was never "mine" but that I was keeping him safe and launching him into his destiny as a radical revivalist and revolutionist- my little love-bomb baby. He was always God's and never mine. Just saying that is oddly comforting.
Thank you for all the love that has barreled us these past two weeks. Joel and I are doing so well and feeling a lot of pleasure surrounding us and our lives. Pray for us, that we would have wisdom and be given supernatural direction for our life together in the next couple of months. We feel like we are on the edge of a great adventure and we are ready to jump into whatever ocean is awaiting our plunge.
Tenderness and love can only bring positive change. So, I'm all in, no matter what.
Try to remember to thank God for what he has given you, even in the tears that flow from what has been taken away. God is good; and he gives more than could ever be comfortable for anyone to receive. Love sees no end to his kindness.
So, there was this one time not too long ago that I had a six-week-old baby boy in my arms.
This week has been a very bittersweet time for Joel and Laci. We are grateful for prayers and love that have been sent our way regarding our sweet Korbin. I know many people are wondering about the details of the week and why we are being such drama queens at #807. I can definitely indulge these questions.
Korbin introduced himself to me when he was six-weeks-old and 8lbs.
Korbin introduced himself to me when he was six-weeks-old and 8lbs, and we said bye at 4-months old and 17lbs (such a dense chunk of a baby). I didn't fall in love immediately- I have nannied for years and he was just another one of my kids that was never really mine to be obsessed with. But within a few weeks, it was over for me- I was all his. He was in his Grandma's custody and his mom wasn't really around until a month ago, so I knew from the beginning that I wanted to be that steady parental connection for him. Adopted people adopt people- its just in our nature. But you don't just ask people if you can have their kids (sorry, mom). So I was just happy having him in our house, having sleepovers, watching him grow into his personality and into his big, round head. I would hand him back every night and wish to have another hour; and by saturday night on my weekend, I was ready to pick him back up (oh, the many miserable sundays that followed as I impatiently waited to have him again monday morning). I learned him: he loves music, nature, and the orange lights above my sink. He is my heartthrob!
He loves music, nature, and the orange lights above my sink.
Well, his parents had moved up to Redding to push the restart button and try to get in good shape to be parents, but things fell through for them due to some incredibly awful choices- they were no longer in the mix. Friday night, 2 weeks ago, I suddenly felt the pull to write Korbin's family a letter to ask if Joel and I could adopt him. I didn't want to cross boundaries or sever a connection that wasn't supposed to be cut, but I couldn't explain the sudden urge to fight for him. I just sent a quick email with my hours to his Grandma and included at the end, "Joel and I would love to talk with you guys about how we could have more time with Korbin." It turns out that I emailed her five minutes before she received a call from a family member who had adopted Korbin's half-sister, offering to do the same for our baby. She emailed me Saturday night to tell me that there is a chance that they would be sending Korbin to Oklahoma to live with his sister and adoptive family, but that she would love to talk on Monday about mine and Joel's thoughts.
A blog post really does no justice to the amount of tears and prayers went into that 36-hour timeframe. I knew in my heart that we had to decide if we were "all in" or "not in". I was all in from months ago. But we just couldn't help the nagging feeling that we weren't the best choice in this time for Korbin (that is even hard to write, let alone believe. I still find myself fighting it, wondering if I made a good choice). In the end, after a constant striving to make it work, we decided that it was best for Korbin for us to be "not in"(wow, yeah, I hate that sentence). So come Monday, I told his grandma how much we love him and wish we could have him at every moment, but feel that we aren't the situation that favors the most stability and safety for him in this moment. We spent that monday together and then I had to leave Tuesday for a conference (until Sunday). When I dropped him off Monday night, they hadn't decided what to do yet. By Tuesday afternoon, they had decided to send him to Oklahoma on Friday before I came home. But things changed again and by Saturday I knew that I had one more day with him- and another sleepover!
So this past monday, Joel and I spent our last day with our little man. We took obscene amounts of pictures and videos. I held him up to the moment that he left to go to Oklahoma. It was wonderful.
I put away all of his clothes, but left his boots out. I still refuse to wash my blanket that he always slept on cause it smells like him. I probably cry every half hour when I listen to his lullaby song I would sing him. There were times when it was really hard- the vomit-over-your-shoulder kind of pain. But #807 is good- we know we made a selfless choice with his best interests in mind (even though it means never seeing him again). And Joel and I greatly anticipate the day that we get to never say goodbye forever to our babes.
So that's the story, Maury. And you know, Korbin will always be in our hearts.
"They didn't have you where I come from, Never knew the best was yet to come. Life began when I saw your face and I hear your laugh like a serenade. How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough cause I'm never, never giving you up."
(Have a listen to this lullaby- God gave Korbin this song and he would stop crying every time I sang it to him. : ) It will always be his)
I'm learning to be open. Completely open. I am learning to be willing to be wrong at any moment, to be excited to learn, to be thrilled to change my mind about any one thing or one person. I am excited to be open because it means that any views or opinions are based solely on trust that has been earned, faith that has been proven. I am excited to never blindly follow anymore, but to grow and discover, to ask questions, and to run after truth. I am excited to accept people no matter what. I am excited to be criticized for what I think because it means that I might discover something completely new to me. If I am not growing, I'm probably not still 5'4.
I've spent my whole life trying to fit a mold, but fighting the system. I've spent my whole life being contrary to anything to avoid being like everyone else, only to find out that everyone else was doing the same thing.
Who knew that the most open-minded thing you could do was love. Who knew that love is also completely closed to new ideas. It has one motive, one idea, one system of beliefs- and that is to believe in, pursue, and accept YOU.
No one is open-minded. No one can be. We are all just running roads that will end in a collision with love.
