In: Redding, CA. They didn't have you where I come from.

So, there was this one time not too long ago that I had a six-week-old baby boy in my arms.

This week has been a very bittersweet time for Joel and Laci. We are grateful for prayers and love that have been sent our way regarding our sweet Korbin. I know many people are wondering about the details of the week and why we are being such drama queens at #807. I can definitely indulge these questions.

Korbin introduced himself to me when he was six-weeks-old and 8lbs.

Korbin introduced himself to me when he was six-weeks-old and 8lbs, and we said bye at 4-months old and 17lbs (such a dense chunk of a baby). I didn't fall in love immediately- I have nannied for years and he was just another one of my kids that was never really mine to be obsessed with. But within a few weeks, it was over for me- I was all his. He was in his Grandma's custody and his mom wasn't really around until a month ago, so I knew from the beginning that I wanted to be that steady parental connection for him. Adopted people adopt people- its just in our nature. But you don't just ask people if you can have their kids (sorry, mom). So I was just happy having him in our house, having sleepovers, watching him grow into his personality and into his big, round head. I would hand him back every night and wish to have another hour; and by saturday night on my weekend, I was ready to pick him back up (oh, the many miserable sundays that followed as I impatiently waited to have him again monday morning). I learned him: he loves music, nature, and the orange lights above my sink. He is my heartthrob!

He loves music, nature, and the orange lights above my sink.

Well, his parents had moved up to Redding to push the restart button and try to get in good shape to be parents, but things fell through for them due to some incredibly awful choices- they were no longer in the mix. Friday night, 2 weeks ago, I suddenly felt the pull to write Korbin's family a letter to ask if Joel and I could adopt him. I didn't want to cross boundaries or sever a connection that wasn't supposed to be cut, but I couldn't explain the sudden urge to fight for him. I just sent a quick email with my hours to his Grandma and included at the end, "Joel and I would love to talk with you guys about how we could have more time with Korbin." It turns out that I emailed her five minutes before she received a call from a family member who had adopted Korbin's half-sister, offering to do the same for our baby. She emailed me Saturday night to tell me that there is a chance that they would be sending Korbin to Oklahoma to live with his sister and adoptive family, but that she would love to talk on Monday about mine and Joel's thoughts.

A blog post really does no justice to the amount of tears and prayers went into that 36-hour timeframe. I knew in my heart that we had to decide if we were "all in" or "not in". I was all in from months ago. But we just couldn't help the nagging feeling that we weren't the best choice in this time for Korbin (that is even hard to write, let alone believe. I still find myself fighting it, wondering if I made a good choice). In the end, after a constant striving to make it work, we decided that it was best for Korbin for us to be "not in"(wow, yeah, I hate that sentence). So come Monday, I told his grandma how much we love him and wish we could have him at every moment, but feel that we aren't the situation that favors the most stability and safety for him in this moment. We spent that monday together and then I had to leave Tuesday for a conference (until Sunday). When I dropped him off Monday night, they hadn't decided what to do yet. By Tuesday afternoon, they had decided to send him to Oklahoma on Friday before I came home. But things changed again and by Saturday I knew that I had one more day with him- and another sleepover!

So this past monday, Joel and I spent our last day with our little man. We took obscene amounts of pictures and videos. I held him up to the moment that he left to go to Oklahoma. It was wonderful.

I put away all of his clothes, but left his boots out. I still refuse to wash my blanket that he always slept on cause it smells like him. I probably cry every half hour when I listen to his lullaby song I would sing him. There were times when it was really hard- the vomit-over-your-shoulder kind of pain. But #807 is good- we know we made a selfless choice with his best interests in mind (even though it means never seeing him again). And Joel and I greatly anticipate the day that we get to never say goodbye forever to our babes.

So that's the story, Maury. And you know, Korbin will always be in our hearts.

"They didn't have you where I come from, Never knew the best was yet to come. Life began when I saw your face and I hear your laugh like a serenade. How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough cause I'm never, never giving you up."

(Have a listen to this lullaby- God gave Korbin this song and he would stop crying every time I sang it to him. : ) It will always be his)